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My room-mate (John, also known as Ixi) and I were talking yesterday and he said something I found shocking – “I’m happy with who I am”. Fellow dorm-mate Jehan quite enjoys it when Ixi and I argue and tried to egg us on, of course, but really I was quite amazed.

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead Yesterday is a promise that you’ve broken Don’t close your eyes don’t close your eyes This is your life, and today is all you’ve got now, and -- And today is all you’ll ever have. Don’t close your eyes: don’t close your eyes!

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose?

Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over

This is your life, are you who you want to be…

--Switchfoot, The Beautiful Letdown, “This Is Your Life”

Y’see, I don’t think I can say I’m happy with who I am. This doesn’t mean I have low self-esteem or think I’m the worst person in the world, though I do think the latter occasionally simply because I am privy to my own darkest thoughts in a way that I am not to those of others, if that makes sense.

The magnificent words of the Book of Common Prayer come to mind:

Most merciful God,
we confess that we have sinned against you
in thought, word, and deed,
by what we have done,
and by what we have left undone.
We have not loved you with our whole heart;
we have not loved our neighbors as ourselves.
We are truly sorry and we humbly repent.
For the sake of your Son Jesus Christ,
have mercy on us and forgive us;
that we may delight in your will,
and walk in your ways,
to the glory of your Name. Amen.

And of course, what is I think at once the most frustratingly true and the most relieving passage in all of Scripture, taken from Eugene Peterson’s meditation-slash-paraphrase The Message for the benefit of those of us to whom the words are distant with familiarity:

Yes. I’m full of myself—after all, I’ve spent a long time in sin’s prison. What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary.

But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?

The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

And I’m off to bed, hoping I can sleep after a[n unintentionally long] three-hour nap (from 6:30 to 10:00, which is, incidentally, why I wasn’t in Mr. Strauss’ class this evening…). Ah, persistent low-level stress, you make me continually tired.

My favo(u)rite part of the traditional CRC worship service, next to God’s Greeting and the benediction, is the absolution. In Christ you are forgiven. I suppose to a tradition-minded (note: tradition-minded is likely not the same thing as traditionally-minded!) one such as myself, the constant repetition of these phrases speak powerfully. I am amazed at the way that I am able to receive grace from them. So, then, I will leave you with a benediction, and then I’ll really go to bed:

Grace, mercy and shalom be with you from God our Father through the Lord Jesus Christ by the work of the Holy Spirit, amen.

Posted by Tim at March 30, 2004 03:37 AM | TrackBack