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In the interests of simplification...

Some people who don't really pay attention or are jumping in midstream might not get the connection between monkeys, puppysipping and linkage. I present you with a Completely Unbiased History of Blog War (insert whatever number here).

It all started when His Magnificent Highness, Lord of Linkage, Baron of the Blogosphere, Prince of Pithyness (ok, and that's it for the alliteration) Glenn Reynolds (may his puppyshake be ever well-blended) didn't link Frnak J., who runs a humour blog popular in certain blogging circles. Now the reader may say to himself, "Isn't that kind of a flimsy reason to go to war? I mean, the US went into World War II only after Pearl Harbor, and even World War I began with some guy getting shot; isn't a non-linking an insufficient causus bellius, especially when the supposedly offending blog has a permalink to the offended one?" And indeed the reader who surmised such a thing would be correct. Frnak J. knew it too and thus began to formulate poorly photoshopped "evidence" to stir the populace against the benevolent and merciful Great White Father Glenn (may his puppyshake be ever well-blended.

At the same time, Frnak was hosting a Super Happy Fun Lucky Permalink Contest which lasted longer than the lifespans of several trillion fly generations and involved more rules than the Federal Tax Code. Everyone lost but one (since there was only one permalink spot up for grabs) but all the other contestants got permalinked anyway under a 'Losers' heading. Understandably, some got upset and one (Jennifer, who is talented, knowledgeable and sexy), declared war on Frnak. Others quickly piled on either because they also lost the Permalink Contest or, like me, saw a way to pick up some quick links enjoy inciting violence acted out of sheer altruism. Jen's new army was named the Axis of Evil Naughty.

In retaliation, Frnak formed his own, much inferior force. It has crappy banners and a really dumb name (The Blogger Alliance). The Alliance is technically anti-Glenn Reynolds (may his puppyshake be ever well-blended) but is obviously not fond of the Axis. It does have its own weblog, however the blog is run by Susie who is seriously confused, being a member of both the Axis and the Alliance. Sort of like Switzerland during World War II (and pretty much every other war), only completely the opposite. So if (hint, hint) Susie ever severs her Frnak ties, he's going to be in for a world of hurt.

So basically there are five different sides or perspectives in this war:

1. You are Frank J.. Because you are envious of Glenn Reynolds' (may his puppyshake be ever well-blended) links and stature in the blogosphere (and that he won't link you) you decide to start a war.

2. You are a minion of Frank J., a member of the Blogger Simian Alliance.

3. You are a member of the Axis of Evil Naughty led by Jennifer and opposed to Frank/wanting links from Frank/pro-Instapundit/neutral on Instapundit/wanting links from Instapundit/just wanting links.

4. You are part of the Axis of Evil Naughty but support Frank J. in his war against Glenn Reynolds (may his puppyshake be ever well-blended). Basically if you're in this position, your name is Susie.

5. You sip blended puppies and sit in your dark throne, searching for a few links that will not threaten your power. (Ooh, ooh! Pick me!)

Let a thousand puppies blend.

Posted by Tim at August 22, 2003 01:24 AM